One year shy of 30

One year shy of 30.

A milestone, definitely.
Work, family, good ol' me,
Forced to grow inadvertently.

Wake me, slowly,
Shower me dry,
Tickle the life in me,
Side splitting till i cry.

Thank you, God, thank you.
I would not live this long without you.
Teach me, God, teach me.
To always put you first, topmost, for a better me.

~ Neena Kemp,
October 24th, 2013.

You caught me off guard

Dah banyak pulak post berderet. Can't help it. Suddenly things hit me all at once.

Suddenly,
you caught me off guard. 

Anxiety disorder

Penat. These attacks are getting out of hand. The mere thought of something that particularly scares me...like deadlines, or being late, will send my little heart on a race, 180 kms per hour. Like i just did 10 laps in an olympic-sized swimming pool. Like now. Baru fikir je, dah laju. Lately i have this habit of just thinking about "being nervous" just before bed time and next thing i know, i'm gonna spend a few minutes getting my heart to beat normally before i can safely fall asleep. It's tiring, mind you. Exhausting. 

I'm a naturally nervous person. I think most of my friends can agree to this. But as i grow, it has become a lot worse. Just yesterday, my heart was beating so fast, i broke into cold sweats and my body was shaking all over. Tak tipu. About an hour later i ended up crying my eyes out because of one tiny little thing. The anxiety overwhelms me like i can never imagine. Even as i type this, i can honestly say that my heart is racing. Something far from normal for someone who's in a resting position, with nothing to be nervous about in particular. These thoughts. They drive me crazy. I can feel how much it's draining my energy most days, and how it's slowly taking over my life. 

Then again, i should probably get tested for thyroid disease. But i'm such a wimp. 

Chill pill

It seems this blog is filled with emotional posts that appeared as if they were written by a depressed adolescent. Haha but really, I’m not. They’re just my inner conflicts. They have battles with themselves every once in a while and coincidentally, those are the times when I‘m usually inclined to start writing. Most of us get ideas when we’re supposedly “emotionally distressed”. Iyolah tu.

But if you were to meet me in person, I’m not really all that depressed. Lol, at least I don’t think I am. You’ll probably see me as someone who cracks lame and stupid jokes most of the time. Because I’m a bundle of nerves. So nak kena cover. But I’m a bit on the sensitive side.. A bit of a crybaby. Hehe… But we shall not delve into that, now shall we? Let’s move on.

Time passes by so very quickly these days. It’s kinda hard to catch up. I’m still looking forward to a time when I can actually stop whatever I’m doing right now, and fly. See the beauty of the world instead of being stuck in that tiny little speck on the map.

Actually I don’t really have much to say. I was just trying to justify the lack of joy and laughter in this blog. It’s bound to affect people, and me in the long run. So smile, people, smile! It’s the least you can do. To strangers, most importantly. Unless they're creepy stalkers.

A some sort of Quarter-Life Crisis.

I'm so used to pushing people away it has become almost like a reflex. And you know as far as reflexes goes, chances to get rid of them are closer to none. But I'm learning. I am aware of the fact that I'm a crazy ball of emotions. Most of the time, a train wreck disguised as a shiny bullet train. But I'm blessed with the ability to recover fairly quickly. Trained myself to forget. And forgive. In God’s will.

Relationship is a scary thing. I find myself running away from “relationships" BEFORE they even start. I’m at the age where a ‘fling’ is probably out of the question. Once i allow myself to be involved in any form relaionship, you can bet it’s gonna be “crunch time” heading straight for the wedding bells. LOL. 

And that’s what scares me. I overthink things. I'm not the most patient, and definitely not the most rajin. What if he got tired of me. What if I got bored of him. What if it doesn’t work out. What if I’m not worth holding on to. Darn insecurity is eating me alive.

I'm simply paranoid. And I hate it. But I have my reasons. I'd say they are VALID reasons. But still, I hate it. Because it might cost me a happy marriage. It might cost me a full life. But I can’t. Not yet. I should get over this crazy paranoia as soon as possible. I say this to myself over and over again. Still, I'm not convinced. 

This not-so-sudden need to get a grip and stop pushing people away, is not mainly because of peer pressure, mostly because I'm just worried. And my maternal instincts are killing me! I just can't wait to make use of my younger years raising children who will grow up filled with love for Allah, His prophet, for me (and their dad), and for the rest of the world. I even made plans to adopt if I'm still no where near marriage the moment i turn 30. But the more i think about it, i realize there are thousands other married couples out there who are still waiting in line for adoption. So maybe i should wait? But argh there's so many "but"s in my vocabulary. So many "can't"s. Help me I'm a walking sad case. 

Pre-wedding jitters

Hold on. Before any of you starts getting any ideas, no I'm not getting married. Not any time soon, at least.

Now that we have that sorted out, let's talk. My childhood bestie is getting hitched. Next month. On the 13th. And I know it sounds ridiculous, but i think I'm experiencing a some sort of pre-wedding depression.

We grew up together, I've known her since before i even started kindies. Sleepovers, countless bike rides, alley adventures, birthday parties, tuition classes, piano classes, neighbourhood pranks, crazy dog chase, video games, Mount Kinabalu climb, home made ice creams, swimming pool weekends, matching outfits, pengawas yg suka ambik kesempatan, jammed-school-toilet-door catastrophe, Mother's day recitals, making up corny songs, and who can forget, stupid secret clubs (Creative Creaters Club? OMG we even have our own oath and membership cards and everything T_T)

And then, when we were 15, her family moved to Melaka. That was really hard for me. I was so used to walking across the road to her house for no reason at all. I miss dialing her house number that i still know by heart. I felt so alone. She's always been a part of me. I mean, my mom made us wear matching mickey mouse tights for goodness sake! LOL.

We kept in touch, we wrote letters... And then I flew to Sabah, she flew to Australia. E-mail, Friendster, Facebook. That was it. We meet up a few times every now and then. Either i flew over or vice versa.

And now..we're both turning 29. 

One day, just before dinner, I received a picture via whatsapp. Of her and her mother and two other Makciks. One of the makciks were slipping a ring on her finger.

Don't get me wrong, of course I'm happy for her. It's like when your sister/brother gets married, you're bound to get more or less depressed right? I mean, that's when you begin to realize that everything will never be the same again. That's when you remember all the good times you used to have. That's what's going on with me right now. Memories and the inevitable future are all jumbled up in my head and all i can do is just march forward. One step at a time, kan. 

It's happening very soon and I have to buckle up. I can't wait! Tapi i have to admit i'm sort of dreading it at the same time. Mixed feelings la senang cerita. Whatever it is, I will try not to break down and cry my eyes out...too much ( But where's the fun in that?) haha... and plus, I'm the pengapit. 

Please don't faint.

I gave myself quite a scare last week. I almost passed out.

It was like any other day, i was at my desk, staring at the computer screen, doing the things i do everyday.

When all of a sudden, I felt a slight headache coming. Not really a headache, but my head was...spinning. I tried to ignore it for awhile, thinking it was nothing, took a sip of water, and continued with what i was doing. It won't go away, so i drank some more, and rested my head for a while. No, it was definitely not working.

So I made my way to the toilet (even swayed a bit). When i came out of the toilet, still there. I rushed back to my office and tried to calm myself down. A few deep breaths... Still nothing. The world was spinning really fast and i have no idea how to stop it! So i finally gave up.

I took my keys, lock my office, and hurried to the registration counter. ( I work at a hospital). My friends thought i was about to ask them for something related to work, so they smiled and even started a light chit chat with me. I was already panicking. They thought i was playing around, pretending to be a patient. I asked to see the doctor. I remember they said something about my face being pale and quickly hand me a little form to fill. I only manage to write my name. I couldn't think. I was having chills all over. I was about to pass out like, any minute now!! HELP!

Suddenly my friend came over with a wheelchair and ushered me to sit on it. I hesitated for a second thinking i don't need it. I just couldn't think straight. They rushed me to the ER and sat me on the bed. My heart was beating so fast i started talking nonsense. Scary. The doctor began asking me questions while my nurse-friends were busy checking my blood pressure and stuff.

After a while, after much help from my friends, i managed to calm myself down. My head finally stopped spinning, and the feeling of faint gradually disappeared. They did an ECG test on me. Mind you, it was QUITE embarrassing having the ECG done by your own colleague. But i don't know which one's worse. Orang yang kita kenal ke, orang yang kita tak kenal. Still, it was quite an ordeal. Hahahaha. The keyword is "button-up shirt". Trust me.

So i was ok in the end. Malu jugak since a few of my friends/colleagues came over to see what was wrong with me. Words were going around (via Whatsapp) that Neena was wheeled to the ER! Huhu.. Alhamdulillah. It was prolly just my hemoglobin count being lower than my usual low. Did a full blood test the next day and this came out.

No surprise there.

My hb count was probably lower the day before, which was why i almost fainted. Nothing much i can do about it anyway. I've always been "sort of anemic". And i will be "sort of anemic" for the rest of my life. Sekarang kalau pening sikit dah risau dah. Haha cuak kot. I've never fainted before and i'm not planning to start now. InsyaAllah, amin. Take care, people. Really.

For you, yes you.

Considering the fact that i'm still living with my parents, the group of friends that i have around me at the moment, are at the very minimal. Since i'm back in my hometown, my friends are mostly my childhood friends. The ones i've known since kindergarten. No kidding. And since we practically grew up together, i'd say we're quite close. But then again, maybe not so much because right after we finished school, naturally, all of us went our separate ways.

And to be honest i think the years AFTER that was when we really GREW in an even bigger sense of the word. What i'm trying to say is, the friends we made during our late teens to early 20s are the different kind of friends. Even more so, we lived together, away from our parents. We survived together. Wake, sleep, study, go hungry, stay up late, be broke, together. I believe that made the bond stronger. But this is just my opinion, of course.

And then there's another point in my life, when i started living on my own, a while after i graduate. Almost the same kind of circumstances. But this time, in a much bigger scale. With a lot more responsibilities. Job, house rent, groceries, car, bills and what-have-yous. The friends i made around this time were, like me, on their way to pave their own paths to the adult life. Finding stability. Some found it in a significant other, some found it in their career, some found it in academic, some, still finding. Fortunately for me, these friends are the same ones that i made in my early twenties. And plus a bunch of great new ones!

And now that I'm back in my hometown. Where my life rarely goes out of the routine, my friends are just my colleagues. My childhood friends who are now all happily married, well we kinda grew apart because of the different lives we lead.

So since i rarely go out with my friends aka my colleagues, my life basically revolves around my family. As much as i love spending time with my family, i need a some kind of escape, every once in a while. i'm only human after all. So i began making new friends on Twitter. It's amazing. Then i started making friends on Instagram too! I would never have imagined. This day and age, anything's possible. Lol! I even managed to meet one of them. How cool is that! I have a few that i've become quite close with that i wish i could meet, someday. Hopefully, insyaAllah.

Thank you, friends. Each and every one of you. You won't believe how big of an impact you have in my life. We may not talk anymore, or chat on facebook anymore, just know that i appreciate you. All of you, have helped made me the person that i am today. I thank Allah for lending you to me, and i pray that Allah will make things easier for you, wherever you are. May we be blessed in this world and the hereafter, Amin.

In God's will.

It couldn't have possibly been a year. I mean really? Really??!
Will you look at the size of that dust bunny.

Ok. Obviously, I'm bad at this. This whole keeping-up-with-my-schedule thing. Ah, well. Not much have happened anyway. Everyday it's the same old things. And I'm just about this close to exploding from the dullness of it all. I need to do something about it. I know. What's new. But being a single woman, with protective parents (for my own good, of course), there are a lot of things i need to consider. To make sure I keep my parents' headaches and anxiety at bay, to make sure they won't be worried sick about me.

So here's the plan. I'm thinking of making a few changes in my life. A few tweaks here and there. Something I've always wanted to do my whole life. I've sorta received a green light from le parents, so... the only thing left to do now is wait/ work for the right moment. Get everything settled, tie every loose ends, till I'm good to go. WHEN? I have absolutely no idea.

It's a giant step. A very tough, challenging one for sure. And the best (or worst) part about it is... i'm diving into it headfirst. Of course I'll be somewhat prepared, but this is different. This is new. This is me. There's gonna be a whole new chapter with fresh pages for me to write in. This time, with lots and lots of illustrations :).

Pray for me? Please and thank you ^_^

It's gonna be a heck of a ride. And I'm glad I'm gonna be sharing this with a confidante. InsyaAllah.