You caught me off guard

Dah banyak pulak post berderet. Can't help it. Suddenly things hit me all at once.

Suddenly,
you caught me off guard. 

Anxiety disorder

Penat. These attacks are getting out of hand. The mere thought of something that particularly scares me...like deadlines, or being late, will send my little heart on a race, 180 kms per hour. Like i just did 10 laps in an olympic-sized swimming pool. Like now. Baru fikir je, dah laju. Lately i have this habit of just thinking about "being nervous" just before bed time and next thing i know, i'm gonna spend a few minutes getting my heart to beat normally before i can safely fall asleep. It's tiring, mind you. Exhausting. 

I'm a naturally nervous person. I think most of my friends can agree to this. But as i grow, it has become a lot worse. Just yesterday, my heart was beating so fast, i broke into cold sweats and my body was shaking all over. Tak tipu. About an hour later i ended up crying my eyes out because of one tiny little thing. The anxiety overwhelms me like i can never imagine. Even as i type this, i can honestly say that my heart is racing. Something far from normal for someone who's in a resting position, with nothing to be nervous about in particular. These thoughts. They drive me crazy. I can feel how much it's draining my energy most days, and how it's slowly taking over my life. 

Then again, i should probably get tested for thyroid disease. But i'm such a wimp. 

Chill pill

It seems this blog is filled with emotional posts that appeared as if they were written by a depressed adolescent. Haha but really, I’m not. They’re just my inner conflicts. They have battles with themselves every once in a while and coincidentally, those are the times when I‘m usually inclined to start writing. Most of us get ideas when we’re supposedly “emotionally distressed”. Iyolah tu.

But if you were to meet me in person, I’m not really all that depressed. Lol, at least I don’t think I am. You’ll probably see me as someone who cracks lame and stupid jokes most of the time. Because I’m a bundle of nerves. So nak kena cover. But I’m a bit on the sensitive side.. A bit of a crybaby. Hehe… But we shall not delve into that, now shall we? Let’s move on.

Time passes by so very quickly these days. It’s kinda hard to catch up. I’m still looking forward to a time when I can actually stop whatever I’m doing right now, and fly. See the beauty of the world instead of being stuck in that tiny little speck on the map.

Actually I don’t really have much to say. I was just trying to justify the lack of joy and laughter in this blog. It’s bound to affect people, and me in the long run. So smile, people, smile! It’s the least you can do. To strangers, most importantly. Unless they're creepy stalkers.

A some sort of Quarter-Life Crisis.

I'm so used to pushing people away it has become almost like a reflex. And you know as far as reflexes goes, chances to get rid of them are closer to none. But I'm learning. I am aware of the fact that I'm a crazy ball of emotions. Most of the time, a train wreck disguised as a shiny bullet train. But I'm blessed with the ability to recover fairly quickly. Trained myself to forget. And forgive. In God’s will.

Relationship is a scary thing. I find myself running away from “relationships" BEFORE they even start. I’m at the age where a ‘fling’ is probably out of the question. Once i allow myself to be involved in any form relaionship, you can bet it’s gonna be “crunch time” heading straight for the wedding bells. LOL. 

And that’s what scares me. I overthink things. I'm not the most patient, and definitely not the most rajin. What if he got tired of me. What if I got bored of him. What if it doesn’t work out. What if I’m not worth holding on to. Darn insecurity is eating me alive.

I'm simply paranoid. And I hate it. But I have my reasons. I'd say they are VALID reasons. But still, I hate it. Because it might cost me a happy marriage. It might cost me a full life. But I can’t. Not yet. I should get over this crazy paranoia as soon as possible. I say this to myself over and over again. Still, I'm not convinced. 

This not-so-sudden need to get a grip and stop pushing people away, is not mainly because of peer pressure, mostly because I'm just worried. And my maternal instincts are killing me! I just can't wait to make use of my younger years raising children who will grow up filled with love for Allah, His prophet, for me (and their dad), and for the rest of the world. I even made plans to adopt if I'm still no where near marriage the moment i turn 30. But the more i think about it, i realize there are thousands other married couples out there who are still waiting in line for adoption. So maybe i should wait? But argh there's so many "but"s in my vocabulary. So many "can't"s. Help me I'm a walking sad case.