Maybe baby

Maybe because I walk too fast,
Maybe that's why you didn't last.

Maybe because I fell and hurt my knee,
Maybe that's why you're no longer in my tummy.

Maybe because of the chores I didn't wanna let your daddy do,
Maybe that's why I'll never get to see you.

Maybe we're just not meant to be. 
Maybe Allah has better plans for your daddy and me.


~Neena Kemp,
October 2014.

I guess the word is out

How do i start.

Lemme tell you a story.

It started around 5-6 years ago. I was an RA at UPM. So my lecturer (or supervisor, or boss) calls me to her friend's office, to help two new students to register. They're starting their Master's degree. Gave them forms. End. Was busy shredding some exam question papers with a couple of friends and had a little chat with these two juniors. End. Heard stories and rumors. Heard confessions, a little bit, here and there. And then came the day i had to move back to my hometown. Was asked out for lunch a couple of days before. End. Birthdays, festive holidays, trips to the airport. And last november 2013, i was taken straight to Prep Day 1. T minus 5 months. And here i am, at T minus TEN days.

I've never actually considered myself as "the marrying type". Never had a boyfriend, never actually date. Never really thought anyone would like me enough to marry me. Never really thought i'd be brave enough to accept anyone to be my husband. But i've always wanted to be a mother. Was set on adopting a child (and even planning on breastfeeding) some time this year. But Allah is the best planner. And I'm thankful for the privilege. Alhamdulillah.. 

So i'm getting married! Isn't that surreal? Thank you for all your prayers, my friends. Thank you. Love.

Watch this space.

Something is brewing. Can you smell it?


I'm going on an adventure. In T minus 3 months.

Still can't believe I'm doing this.

Which would you choose

Would you,

Take a chance and may or may not have the best or WORST time of your life,

OR,

Stay where you are and secure a mediocre life.

Mediocre, but at least you know you'll always be safe.
Not the best--occasional meltdowns, but safe. Boring and sad, but safe.

Which one would you choose.

One year shy of 30

One year shy of 30.

A milestone, definitely.
Work, family, good ol' me,
Forced to grow inadvertently.

Wake me, slowly,
Shower me dry,
Tickle the life in me,
Side splitting till i cry.

Thank you, God, thank you.
I would not live this long without you.
Teach me, God, teach me.
To always put you first, topmost, for a better me.

~ Neena Kemp,
October 24th, 2013.

You caught me off guard

Dah banyak pulak post berderet. Can't help it. Suddenly things hit me all at once.

Suddenly,
you caught me off guard. 

Anxiety disorder

Penat. These attacks are getting out of hand. The mere thought of something that particularly scares me...like deadlines, or being late, will send my little heart on a race, 180 kms per hour. Like i just did 10 laps in an olympic-sized swimming pool. Like now. Baru fikir je, dah laju. Lately i have this habit of just thinking about "being nervous" just before bed time and next thing i know, i'm gonna spend a few minutes getting my heart to beat normally before i can safely fall asleep. It's tiring, mind you. Exhausting. 

I'm a naturally nervous person. I think most of my friends can agree to this. But as i grow, it has become a lot worse. Just yesterday, my heart was beating so fast, i broke into cold sweats and my body was shaking all over. Tak tipu. About an hour later i ended up crying my eyes out because of one tiny little thing. The anxiety overwhelms me like i can never imagine. Even as i type this, i can honestly say that my heart is racing. Something far from normal for someone who's in a resting position, with nothing to be nervous about in particular. These thoughts. They drive me crazy. I can feel how much it's draining my energy most days, and how it's slowly taking over my life. 

Then again, i should probably get tested for thyroid disease. But i'm such a wimp. 

Chill pill

It seems this blog is filled with emotional posts that appeared as if they were written by a depressed adolescent. Haha but really, I’m not. They’re just my inner conflicts. They have battles with themselves every once in a while and coincidentally, those are the times when I‘m usually inclined to start writing. Most of us get ideas when we’re supposedly “emotionally distressed”. Iyolah tu.

But if you were to meet me in person, I’m not really all that depressed. Lol, at least I don’t think I am. You’ll probably see me as someone who cracks lame and stupid jokes most of the time. Because I’m a bundle of nerves. So nak kena cover. But I’m a bit on the sensitive side.. A bit of a crybaby. Hehe… But we shall not delve into that, now shall we? Let’s move on.

Time passes by so very quickly these days. It’s kinda hard to catch up. I’m still looking forward to a time when I can actually stop whatever I’m doing right now, and fly. See the beauty of the world instead of being stuck in that tiny little speck on the map.

Actually I don’t really have much to say. I was just trying to justify the lack of joy and laughter in this blog. It’s bound to affect people, and me in the long run. So smile, people, smile! It’s the least you can do. To strangers, most importantly. Unless they're creepy stalkers.

A some sort of Quarter-Life Crisis.

I'm so used to pushing people away it has become almost like a reflex. And you know as far as reflexes goes, chances to get rid of them are closer to none. But I'm learning. I am aware of the fact that I'm a crazy ball of emotions. Most of the time, a train wreck disguised as a shiny bullet train. But I'm blessed with the ability to recover fairly quickly. Trained myself to forget. And forgive. In God’s will.

Relationship is a scary thing. I find myself running away from “relationships" BEFORE they even start. I’m at the age where a ‘fling’ is probably out of the question. Once i allow myself to be involved in any form relaionship, you can bet it’s gonna be “crunch time” heading straight for the wedding bells. LOL. 

And that’s what scares me. I overthink things. I'm not the most patient, and definitely not the most rajin. What if he got tired of me. What if I got bored of him. What if it doesn’t work out. What if I’m not worth holding on to. Darn insecurity is eating me alive.

I'm simply paranoid. And I hate it. But I have my reasons. I'd say they are VALID reasons. But still, I hate it. Because it might cost me a happy marriage. It might cost me a full life. But I can’t. Not yet. I should get over this crazy paranoia as soon as possible. I say this to myself over and over again. Still, I'm not convinced. 

This not-so-sudden need to get a grip and stop pushing people away, is not mainly because of peer pressure, mostly because I'm just worried. And my maternal instincts are killing me! I just can't wait to make use of my younger years raising children who will grow up filled with love for Allah, His prophet, for me (and their dad), and for the rest of the world. I even made plans to adopt if I'm still no where near marriage the moment i turn 30. But the more i think about it, i realize there are thousands other married couples out there who are still waiting in line for adoption. So maybe i should wait? But argh there's so many "but"s in my vocabulary. So many "can't"s. Help me I'm a walking sad case. 

Pre-wedding jitters

Hold on. Before any of you starts getting any ideas, no I'm not getting married. Not any time soon, at least.

Now that we have that sorted out, let's talk. My childhood bestie is getting hitched. Next month. On the 13th. And I know it sounds ridiculous, but i think I'm experiencing a some sort of pre-wedding depression.

We grew up together, I've known her since before i even started kindies. Sleepovers, countless bike rides, alley adventures, birthday parties, tuition classes, piano classes, neighbourhood pranks, crazy dog chase, video games, Mount Kinabalu climb, home made ice creams, swimming pool weekends, matching outfits, pengawas yg suka ambik kesempatan, jammed-school-toilet-door catastrophe, Mother's day recitals, making up corny songs, and who can forget, stupid secret clubs (Creative Creaters Club? OMG we even have our own oath and membership cards and everything T_T)

And then, when we were 15, her family moved to Melaka. That was really hard for me. I was so used to walking across the road to her house for no reason at all. I miss dialing her house number that i still know by heart. I felt so alone. She's always been a part of me. I mean, my mom made us wear matching mickey mouse tights for goodness sake! LOL.

We kept in touch, we wrote letters... And then I flew to Sabah, she flew to Australia. E-mail, Friendster, Facebook. That was it. We meet up a few times every now and then. Either i flew over or vice versa.

And now..we're both turning 29. 

One day, just before dinner, I received a picture via whatsapp. Of her and her mother and two other Makciks. One of the makciks were slipping a ring on her finger.

Don't get me wrong, of course I'm happy for her. It's like when your sister/brother gets married, you're bound to get more or less depressed right? I mean, that's when you begin to realize that everything will never be the same again. That's when you remember all the good times you used to have. That's what's going on with me right now. Memories and the inevitable future are all jumbled up in my head and all i can do is just march forward. One step at a time, kan. 

It's happening very soon and I have to buckle up. I can't wait! Tapi i have to admit i'm sort of dreading it at the same time. Mixed feelings la senang cerita. Whatever it is, I will try not to break down and cry my eyes out...too much ( But where's the fun in that?) haha... and plus, I'm the pengapit.